Flamingo Coke Ring Exposed: Administration Encroaching on Lorax’s Territory
By Another Measure Convert
As Cocaine prices fell on campus earlier this month, tensions began to rise within the Smith crime family and its operations front, the Lorax Association. Someone, they realized, was cutting into their market.
Just after 7 on Tuesday evening, Lorax forces, tipped off by an anonymous source, struck back at the group challenging them for dominance in the traffic of illegal substances: the Administration. Soon thereafter, members of the Paper editorial board apprehended the culprits and began to uncover a vast web of conspiracy.
“I was getting a little suspicious when the roll of $20s on my dresser was getting smaller and smaller every week,” says Alden Smith (‘03), the head of Milton’s largest drug ring. “Someone was &^%*ing with me, and I don’t like it when ^%$# with me.”
Over the weekend, Smith reports, a high-ranking Lora member overheard administrators discussing “what would be the most elaborate cocaine sale in the great history of drugs at Milton.” A stash larger than any other, they heard, was stored somewhere on campus. Before long, strange activity on Head of School Dr. Robertson’s lawn lead Smith to move against his rising foe.
Unfortunately for Alen, just moments after securing two Robertson’s plastic flamingos, members of the Paper staff surrounded the Lorax bandits and stole the pink lawn ornaments. They then brought the alleged contraband to their office in Ware Hall to open the flamingos and extract the shipment.
When they finally pried the side of one flamingo open, a stream of fine white powder spilled on the green leather couch. “Yeah, this shit is pure as ^$*&,” Joe Posber (‘03, editor of the Paper) reportedly said as he tasted the substance.
In order to contain the fallout of the situation, the Administration immediately called an emergency meeting with Lorax and the Paper board.
“First, they asked for their coke back...which was pointless because they should have known we would have moved the stuff to our connection at Fontbonne within like 20 minutes,” Luke Harris of the Paper relates. “Then they started going off about how the trustees made them do it to cover the run-over coasts of the Crossroads project.”
“I really think they should have sold their bodies instead,” says Anna Elliot. “Hugh [Silbaugh] is a fox.”
As the meeting continued, the students became increasingly aware that the cocaine was central to the head of the school's plans.
“As far as we can tell,: says Posner, “this whole thing really extends to every aspect of life at Milton. It really explains a lot about all of the crazy shit going on around here: the ‘Crossroads’ building, the Boarding Initiative, John Warren’s ‘job,’ Alex Jacobs’ DC, the hiring of chaplain Ed ‘Snow’...everything.”
Recent Paper findings suggest that Warren, who left his post as Academic Dean to become the “Special Assistant to the Head of School: and could really benefit from the use of a toupee, has been instrumental in the expansion of the Academy’s extra-legal affairs. “He doesn’t look much like the dealer type, I’ll admit, but he’s a pretty wily bastard,” Posner reports.
The power vacuum created by the fall of Lorax and the uncovering of the Administration appears to have left the door open for the Black Spades, a group of marihuana-smoking MCs looking to “bring about a shift from coke to reeder in the drug market,” according to spokes-stoner Alex Larrieux (‘03).
The incident comes on the heels of the abduction of standout student-athlete Brendan Byrne (‘03) by Anime club, a guerilla faction of the Audio/Visuals crew and has prompted Campus Safety to bump the security alert level from ochre to burgundy.