Hack Soccer Pummels Junior Varsity Boys Soccer
It was all smiles for the undefeated Hack soccer team after their resounding victory over the Junior Varsity squad
By BRENDAN N. HEGARTY ‘20
After a resounding 4-1 defeat of the boys’ Junior Varsity soccer team, Milton Academy’s one and only Hack soccer team is ready for anything, especially the “Wolfpack.” Riding high on an undefeated season, the ragtag group of players challenged the Junior Varsity team on the Junior Varsity team’s home turf behind the Pritzker Science Center. The JV squad foolishly accepted.
The game, officiated by Hack Coach Hal Pratt, took place last Thursday, November 7th. It started off slowly as a defensive battle, for neither team wanted to show their hand. As the freezing rain poured from the heavens, however, things on the pitch began to heat up. After a long run, Hack soccer’s Wyatt Troy ‘20 scored a solid goal to the back right corner. Then, Hack made their first substantial round of substitutions, and the Junior-dominated relievers held up valiantly.
Jaws dropped on both sides after Troy returned to the pitch to score his second goal, an astounding top-shelf screamer from nearly halfway across the muddy pitch. The Hack team overcommitted to offense, but fortunately, Defensive Player of the Game Josh Lebowitz ‘22 saved the team twice with some acrobatic defensive stops in mid-air. Unfortunately for the Hackers, JV’s Oliver Weissleder ‘21 scored a cheap goal to cut the point differential in half. As tempers flared, the JV team began to add players beyond the agreed-upon 11, and soon, the pitch was engulfed in players from both sides. As defensive play began to disintegrate on both sides, MVP Zane “Zaney” Bookbinder ‘20 scored a goal to put Hack safely up by two.
JV Kwabena Adae ‘22 smartly converted to the Hack squad for the match, and he made some spectacular saves. Then, with about five minutes left on the clock, Bookbinder scored a dagger to remove all doubt of the superior side. Hack’s fourth goal spurred a raucous reaction—cheers of “ZANEEEEY” will surely be imprinted into the eardrums of some JV players for weeks to come.
In spite of some questionable grievances aired by the opposition following the game, the Hack squad maintains the validity of its 4-1 triumph. This game draws immediate parallels to a game between Hack, then called “Whig,” Soccer and the Junior Varsity Soccer team 40 years ago in 1979. The Whig team scored an early goal, but JV refused to finish the game even as visibility decreased to perilous levels. Immediately upon the scoring of a tying goal, JV stopped the game in a last ditch effort to save their reputation. 40 years later, Hack still reigns supreme.
Interestingly, numerous other teams on campus have scores to be settled with the undefeated Hack players, but Boys’ Cross Country, for example, could not quite handle the “smoke.”
On the Cross Country team’s Friday cart runs, they travel across campus with a loaded shopping cart, flag, and music, hyping up other teams without disrupting their own scheduled practice time. That said, the Cross Country team has repeatedly ignored the Hack soccer team’s established claim to their space on the Quad, recklessly careening through the peaceful proceedings.
Boys’ Cross Country did not even let up for Parent’s Day, as they attacked the Hackers with heightened levels of ferocity. The team trashed and stole Hack’s already sparse and cheap equipment, later holding it for ransom. Using improvised weaponry and maneuvers fit for only the wrestling room, Boys’ Cross Country mercilessly railed upon the Hack team in front of both sets of parents. This tirade drew blood from the soccer players, but it surprisingly did not draw increased scrutiny of the Cross Country team from the athletics office, administration, campus safety, or even the local police.
Hack soccer scored a moral victory against Boys’ Cross Country on Friday, November 8th. Upon hearing the crude chants of the Cross Country team approaching, Hack made a beautiful flanking maneuver on the tightly trimmed Quad, reclaiming the poorly spray-painted “MAXC” flag from the flagbearer himself. Representatives of the Hack team charged the flag back up the steps of the Student Center stairs, standing triumphantly at the top to wave it in a clear sign of ultimate dominance over the runners.
The team hopes to face off against the Girls’ Varsity Soccer squad, the “Wolfpack,” before calling it quits for the season. This Hackers’ last hurrah should be taking place today, and you will not want to miss it. Folks, the game is sure to be a matchup for the ages, the kind that you will tell your great (and not-so-great) grandchildren about. Go Hack Go!